You know what they say — after 4th of July, the summer flies by.

Do they still say that? I don’t know. I know I felt that as a kid. As an adult covering college football and counting down the days until opening kickoff, I’d push back on that old adage. These days tend to drag.

So in order to make that time fly by, I thought I’d make some assumptions about SEC summer vacations.

Yes, I know the old adage about “assuming.”

That’s why you should take this column as gospel and not something dripping with sarcasm during the slowest time of year on the college football calendar.

Here’s how I assume every SEC team has been spending its summer vacation:

Alabama — Establishing residency in Las Vegas

I assume that Alabama made a home in Sin City because Nick Saban can’t stop referencing the fact that oddsmakers would’ve made his underperforming 10-2 team a favorite against 3 of 4 Playoff teams. Never mind the fact that 5 of Alabama’s 12 regular season games were decided in the final minute, or that 6 of its 9 regular season Power 5 games were 1-score games in the 4th quarter. Clearly, all Alabama wants to listen to is what Vegas would’ve said about a point spread and not about what actual football said in 2022.

Arkansas — Tweeting eye roll emojis at anyone who questions KJ Jefferson as a passer

In defense of Arkansas fans, those emojis are justified. While many tuned Arkansas out when Sam Pittman’s honeymoon phase ended, plenty of others saw the Razorbacks quarterback take another step as a passer. Playing in 2 fewer games, he essentially repeated his 2021 passing numbers, and he did so without Treylon Burks. Jefferson, Grayson McCall and Caleb Williams are the only returning signal-callers who ranked in the top 10 in quarterback rating each of the last 2 seasons.  Leaving Jefferson off the preseason All-SEC team would be a massive eye roll emoji.

Auburn — Attending every golf outing/blood drive/charity bike race/youth kickball game within a 50-mile radius

Basically, doing everything Bryan Harsin didn’t do.

Florida — Going to daily psychic readings

Personally, I’ve never been to one of these things, but I feel like they’re always super positive. After all, you’re paying someone to tell you about your future. You’re not gonna go every day if they say you’re going 6-7 and losing to Vandy … again.

Georgia — Searching every corner of the internet for disrespect

It’s a tireless pursuit, but that’s where things are with the 2-time defending champs. We’ve got entire publications getting shunned by Georgia fans, but we’ve also probably got some bookmarked tweets from a Tennessee fan with 28 followers who claimed the Dawgs were trash. Whatever the case, expect to hear about each individual sign of disrespect at some point during another confetti-filled Georgia celebration.

Kentucky — Volunteering with Habitat for Humanity

Selfless move, right? Eh, not completely. The Cats need to relearn how to build a Big Blue Wall instead of the Big Blue Gate we saw on the offensive line last year. Even if the homes they’re working with come with a gate, the number of walls per property totally trumps that.

LSU — Working on a TikTok for Brian Kelly that he doesn’t get dragged for

Given what we know about Kelly’s start at LSU, the internet has a pretty low tolerance for him dancing his way into coolness. I can only assume that Kelly’s TikTok game will be carefully crafted. We gotta dial it back from the 360-platform/grinding on recruit videos. That was coming in too hot. Might I suggest something? LSU lands a commitment from a recruit and boom, Kelly smiles, then hits a solo griddy. If you want to pivot away from the dancing, Kelly can just say 1 Southern word for every TikTok and smile at the camera. It can be as basic as “y’all.” Simple, yet effective.

Mizzou — Hopping on Zoom calls with middle-aged dudes who got banned from Facebook for offensive posts

In its 4 seasons of the post-Drew Lock era, Mizzou has yet to post a scoring offense that ranked better than No. 60 in FBS. Hence, why Eli Drinkwitz brought in Kirby Moore as his first offensive coordinator. Simply, the Tigers need to figure out a way to get more offensive. Who is more offensive than the dudes who get banned from Facebook?

Ah, that’s different kind of “offensive.” Carry on!

MSU — Laying out on a private beach

I can only assume that MSU fans are willing to deal with so much cowbell because they spend the rest of the year embracing their inner Kenny Chesney chilling at a private beach. Even public beaches have too much noise to balance out the volume of those fall cowbells. MSU has the right to treat the offseason like 1 long (cowbell) hangover. Earplugs, sunscreen, Pedialyte … that’s an elite Bulldog trio.

Ole Miss — Sending DMs to every quarterback from coast to coast

I think everyone took a step back when Lane Kiffin went out and landed Spencer Sanders from Oklahoma State. That was just after he made a splash by getting LSU true freshman Walker Howard out of the transfer portal. But when it was really evident that Kiffin was dead set on getting every quarterback on the planet to Oxford was when he flipped class of 2025 Florida commit Austin Simmons … who reclassified to 2023. Needless to say, Ole Miss’ goal this summer is to acquire all the quarterbacks. It’s a bold strategy, but hey, you can’t lose if the other team doesn’t have a quarterback.

South Carolina — Starting water balloon fights with everyone

Two reasons. We know Shane Beamer isn’t afraid to mix it up a bit (go back to that Kentucky celebration). Since he took over at South Carolina, we watched the Gamecocks end multi-year losing streaks to Florida, Tennessee and Clemson. He’s not afraid of a fight. The Gamecocks will launch at anyone. And also, we also know that as my co-worker Chris Marler always says “Columbia, South Carolina is the hottest place on earth.” There’s no better, more constructive way to channel that aggression while cooling down than by starting a water balloon fight.

Tennessee — Watching videos of Joe Milton throws

They’re majestic. Truly majestic. I’m old enough to remember when Tennessee fans would rack up tens of thousands of views watching Harrison Bailey throwing a 10-yard slant. To see them now hitting refresh on a video of Milton throwing a football farther than Uncle Rico’s peak toss shows you how far the Vols have come under Josh Heupel.

Texas A&M — Hosting daily garage sales

Hey, those Aggie pockets are deep, but they’re not deep enough to afford a $76.8 million buyout. As I continue to say, paying less than $50 million to fire Jimbo Fisher can’t happen until after 2026. In the meantime, it’s a smart move by A&M to exceed its legal limit of garage sales per year by hosting them daily. And who knows? Maybe if the Aggies get caught for that, they can pin some sort of “fired with cause” thing on Fisher and avoid paying his full buyout.

Vanderbilt — Sitting front row at summer school

Obviously.