Here’s Part II of our Why Your Team Will Suck series. Yes, even your school. SEC East, now it’s your turn.
RELATED: One reason every SEC West team will suck in 2016
Note: The overwhelming majority of this column was written with my tongue planted firmly inside my cheek.
WHY FLORIDA WILL SUCK: Spurrier wants to be HBC, not HAC
Steve Spurrier is back at his alma mater to serve in an honorary role in the Florida athletic department.
Unfortunately, the former Gators legend — both on the field and on the sideline — is more interested in continuing to be the Head Ball Coach. He doesn’t have any real interest in Head Ambassador and Consultant.
While second-year coach Jim McElwain is yet to announce who his starting quarterback will be for Week 1, Spurrier already told reporters that it’s going to be two-time transfer Luke Del Rio. No word on whether the seven-time SEC Coach of the Year will implement his infamous Fun ‘N’ Gun on McElwain’s day off.
Eventually, Spurrier’s suggestions become too much for the program to bear. The final straw will be when he devises an entire game plan “to slow down this Peyton Manning fella and send him to another Citrus Bowl.”
Spurrier is promptly retired to the nearest golf course, where he hits range balls shirtless and shoeless.
WHY GEORGIA WILL SUCK: Michel’s injury just the start
Running back Sony Michel is questionable for the opener after breaking his arm in an offseason ATV mishap.
Football players should know better, especially ones like Michel with professional aspirations once their college careers are over. First-year coach Kirby Smart couldn’t have been pleased when he heard the news.
Little did Smart know that Michel wasn’t the only member of the Dawgs playing with a few cards less than a full deck. Already struggling to come back from last season’s torn knee, fellow runner Nick Chubb re-injures the same knee falling off a hoverboard on his way to biology. In addition to ATVs, Smart bans hoverboards.
Eventually, freshman phenom Jacob Eason slices off the pinky on his throwing hand playing finger roulette.
WHY KENTUCKY WILL SUCK: Famous alumna gets in the way
In a stunning move, Wildcats basketball coach John Calipari agrees to assist football coach Mark Stoops by letting his players play both sports. Calipari wants to toughen up those one-and-dones for the NBA Draft.
UK starts out 6-0, upsets ‘Bama and moves to No. 1. Leading the way is 6-foot-9, 240-pound freshman power forward Bam Adebayo, who catches 19 TD passes before the bye in Week 7 running the fade route exclusively.
However, after Ashley Judd threatens to not renew her season tickets, Cal pulls his team off the field and back to the gym. The ‘Cats close out the schedule winless and plummet to 6-6. Still bowl-eligible, though.
WHY MISSOURI WILL SUCK: Saban’s master plan is sinister
Alabama coach Nick Saban made news recently for refusing to allow defensive back Maurice Smith to transfer in-conference to Georgia. However, previously he had permitted wide receiver Chris Black to pick up and go to Missouri. Apparently, there were “unique circumstances” for Saban to say yes to Black but no to Smith.
Black becomes the primary weapon in the passing game and leads the Tigers to yet another surprise SEC East title. But in Atlanta, Black drops every single ball thrown his way. The Tide roll and head to the College Football Playoff yet again. Saban and Black oddly shake hands after the game. Unique circumstances indeed.
WHY SOUTH CAROLINA WILL SUCK: Coach Boom no like offense
Perry Orth was the team’s leading passer last year. A former walk-on who stocked grocery shelves before earning a scholarship, it’s possible he was a better baseball player in high school than football player.
The top returning rusher from 2015, David Williams, had only 392 yards and averaged a paltry 4.0 yards per carry. Wideout Deebo Samuels was invited to SEC Media Days on the strength of his 12 catches a season ago.
Spurrier, an offense-first guy if there ever was one, left the cupboard incredibly bare for new coach Will Muschamp. And what did he have trouble with during his time at Florida? Scoring points, of course. Uh oh.
WHY TENNESSEE WILL SUCK: Jones trades pigskin for pucks
Butch Jones has an idea: It’s impossible to have a fourth-quarter collapse if there’s only three quarters.
In an unprecedented decision, Jones leaves his post as coach of the Tennessee football program. He takes over on the bench for the Ice Vols, a club team that competes in the Southeastern Collegiate Hockey Conference.
Only having to manage three 20-minute periods instead of four 15-minute quarters ultimately makes a world of difference for Jones, who never once nervously looks up at the clock with a late lead. If only he had thought of this last year, when the Oklahoma, Florida and Alabama games slipped away in the waning moments.
While center Joshua Dobbs is a great skater, he never learns to pass the puck consistently to his wingers.
WHY VANDERBILT WILL SUCK: Just happy to be in the SEC
“Coach Mason, how do you plan to win consistently in the SEC when Vandy’s academic standards are so high?”
“Take a look at our record. We’ve won 33 percent more games every year we’ve been here. That’s progress.”
“But coach, you’ve only been in Nashville two seasons. You went 3-9 and then 4-8. You call that progress?”
“I do. At our current pace, we’ll be bowl-eligible in 2017. By 2022, we’ll win the East. That’s our plan.”
“Yeah, but look at the kinds of players being recruited by teams like Alabama. You can’t get those kids.”
“There are many Commodores in the NFL. Jay Cutler, Zac Stacy, Jordan Matthews. They’re not great players?”
“But you didn’t recruit any of them, coach. Back when Cutler played, you were coaching receivers at Ohio.”
“Johnny McCrary could sure throw interceptions like Cutler. Drive-murdering, soul-crushing interceptions.”
“What does it say about Vandy when James Franklin would rather run into a towering inferno at Penn State?”
“Who is this James Franklin character? I never heard of him. You’ll have to give me some further details.”
“You know, the old coach. The one who totally raided your first recruiting class when you took this job.”
“Excited to be here. Excited to be back on this stage. Very pleased to represent Vanderbilt University, Commodore football, this group, this team, the expectation. This is a great place for us to be.” *
* actual quote from SEC Media Days
John Crist is the senior writer for Saturday Down South, a member of the FWAA and a voter for the Heisman Trophy. Send him an e-mail, like him on Facebook or follow him on Twitter.
John Crist is an award-winning contributor to Saturday Down South.
