If SEC teams were Halloween candy
After eight full weeks of football, we finally have a handle on each team’s potential.
Seeing as Halloween is upon us, let’s take a look at how each team compares to the goodies in our trick-or-treat bag.
ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE – KIT KATS
Kit Kats were the first candy bar to be made for sharing, and they have fought hard to stay in the candy bar game. The Crimson Tide has always been known for its team focus, which has had a negative effect on the Heisman possibilities of individual players, but it has always remained relevant, and it probably always will, just like the Kit Kat bar. It also sounded like Alabama was singing the Kit Kat jingle after the Tennessee game: “Gimme a break” and a bye week.
ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS – LAFFY TAFFY
If you’re lucky, you’ll get strawberry or sour apple, but everyone knows banana, grape and blue raspberry usually dominate the bag. The Razorbacks came out hot against UTEP, but then we got their second-rate flavors against Toledo, Texas Tech and Texas A&M. Arkansas again showed signs of life against Tennessee and Auburn, but I doubt they can keep it up in November as they face No. 19 Ole Miss, No. 4 LSU and No. 15 Mississippi State in consecutive weeks.
AUBURN TIGERS – BUTTERFINGERS
The Butterfinger is pretty tasty, but sometimes you don’t hear much about it for a while, and you’re usually excited to see them in your trick-or-treat bag — or on your schedule. The Tigers started their season with a big win over Louisville, and everybody expected them to be a force in the SEC. But the newness wore off, and as we all know, Butterfingers can’t catch passes. Maybe by next season we’ll be excited about them again.
FLORIDA GATORS – FULL SIZE CANDY BARS
Remember when your parents finally let you go trick-or-treating alone, and you went straight to that dangerous neighborhood you were forbidden to go? While that neighborhood — let’s call it Gainesville — was dangerous, it did have some of the best candy. Since everyone in this neighborhood was unprepared for the youngsters, they usually only had full-size candy bars. Until they ran out. Florida surprised many people this year, and they are looking good to make it to Atlanta. The question is: will Florida have enough of the good stuff to last them the rest of the season?
GEORGIA BULLDOGS – DOLLAR STORE VARIETY PACK
These variety packs are easy to find and they’re inexpensive, which makes them ideal for the unprepared homeowner on Halloween morning. The candy looks good at first, and it might hit the spot when you feel that candy craving call your name, but it eventually disappoints. The Bulldogs started the 2015 season looking good, winning their first four games. But then they lost to No. 13 Alabama and Tennessee before barely squeaking past Missouri. They’ll show us this week if there are any good candies left in their variety pack.
KENTUCKY WILDCATS – REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
Have you ever noticed how the Reese’s candies shaped like Easter eggs and Christmas trees are always better than the traditional Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? Sometimes the Wildcats will surprise you, and that classic chocolate and peanut butter snack is just what you wanted. But for the most part, they put their best work into other seasons, like basketball.
LSU TIGERS – FUN DIP
Mmmm, Fun Dip. It is pure sugar, and one of the best candies that ever filled my pumpkin bucket. Fun Dip is always delightful, and it is becoming harder and harder to track down each year, which may be adding to its popularity. No other candy can approach it right now. The Tigers and Leonard Fournette are on rampage, and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down anytime soon. So far, no team has been able to stop Fournette. Will another candy be able to top the list?
MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS – M&MS
Everyone has their favorite M&Ms, but the most popular are plain, peanut and peanut butter. Honestly, I don’t understand the appeal of plain M&Ms, I prefer the crunchy oversized peanuts or the smooth peanut butter. The Bulldogs are kind of like all three. Sometimes, they come out plain and flat with no excitement. Other times, their tough backs run the ball down your throat and their big linemen rough you up and wear you down. This year, with the help of QB Dak Prescott, they’ve been able to use the passing game for some smoother play.
MISSOURI TIGERS – TOOTSIE POPS
How many licks does it take to get to that gooey, fake-chocolate center of a Tootsie Pop? Still just three. The Tigers started their season 3-0, and then when they reached what was supposed to be the best part of their season, the yummy hard candy was gone, and we’ve been left with losses to Kentucky, No. 11 Florida, Georgia and Vanderbilt. The center of a Tootsie Pop always seems to be more disappointing than we expect.
OLE MISS REBELS – CANDY CORN
How did candy corn become the poster candy for Halloween? Are there people who actually enjoy candy corn? It’s not very good, but it’s out there every October, and people still eat it. The Rebels show up every year telling everybody how they’re going to be SEC champs, but they usually just get through the season before they disappear again. This year, at least for now, they are sharing the SEC West driver’s seat with LSU. Does this mean candy corn is going to be everywhere this year?
SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS – CANDY APPLES
Every dentist’s nightmare. Candy apples seem like a good idea at the time, but then you realize they’ve been abandoned and you have no idea how long they’ve been sitting out. Fresh or stale, they’re always messy. The Gamecocks had the HBC on their sidelines, and they still lost their flavor. Even when they do win, it’s a mess.
TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS – CHOCOLATE-COVERED ANYTHING
Covering things with chocolate instantly makes them better (I don’t care what anyone says, chocolate-covered bacon is the best idea ever). When you see something covered in chocolate, it looks good, and it should taste good, but then you bite into and there’s something like a pretzel or a raisin inside. There’s no denying that disappointment. The Volunteers looked like they would be good this season. We keep hearing coaches and players say they are good. But they’re just not good enough. They can’t finish a game, even though they have come close and fought hard. Once the chocolate wears off, it’s still just a raisin inside.
TEXAS A&M AGGIES – HERSHEY’S VARIETY PACK
With this classic variety pack, you never know what you’ll get, but you do know that it should be high quality. Will it be the coveted Mr. Goodbar or the iffy Krackel? The Aggies have had a good season by most standards, but they’ve lost their last two games. It leaves us wondering if someone has already eaten all the good stuff out of the Hershey’s bag. They’ve got just five more games to show they can be good in the second half of the season, too.
VANDERBILT COMMODORES – SMARTIES
Who doesn’t love some Smarties in their trick-or-treat bag? They’re cute, they’re sweet and they’re a nice break from some of the more intense candy. Plus, they’re reliable: you know you can find them every year, and you know they’ll always taste the same. The Commodores are actually in the middle of the pack right now, but looking at their schedule, they’re not likely to stay that way. They’ll likely end the season in the bottom of the bag, just like all of our leftover Smarties.