Thanksgiving and rivalry week are behind us leaving me fatter in the belly and brain from the devouring of delicious foods and games.  As if I had not already pushed myself to the limits by Saturday afternoon, the Paul Finebaum Iron Bowl simulcast almost did me in completely.  As with all the good that goes in, it has to be dumped out at some point in time.  You decide how you want to picture that.  In the meantime, I’ll roll into my Shocks, Shanks, Chafes and Predictions of the week.

Biggest Shocks:  Alabama, Mississippi and Missouri certainly were not shocks as winners over the weekend as I picked all three.  How they got there along the way sure had me raising an eyebrow or two. 

Starting in Columbia on Friday Arkansas ran its scoreless streak to nine quarters before finally yielding a FG to Missouri.  The Tigers tacked on another in the 2nd before being stifled by The Hogs’ D until the 15 point run in the 4th.  Many will point to Brandon Allen not being 100% for Arky, but it’s cheap to not give credit where its due to Mizzou, especially gaining 90 yards rushing on the final drive of the game. 

Additionally, The Tigers toppled 400 yards of total offense and was the first to go over that mark vs. The Razorbacks since Texas A&M over two months ago, including games against MSU, Ole Miss, Alabama and Georgia.  Missouri was the afterthought in SEC expansion three years ago and mocked for their year one execution, but who’s laughing now?  They’ve won the East for two consecutive years and won seven conference games down the stretch this year to do so following the shellacking against UGA on September 27th.  Unfortunately they get to show their worth this weekend against Alabama, and I more than expect the doubters to remain vocal in Atlanta.

Speaking of Bama, they may have given up over 600 yards to Auburn and trailed heading into the 4th but owned that quarter en route to an Iron Bowl record for points and a 55-44 win.  Amari Cooper was ridiculous with 224 yards receiving and 3 TDs, and if I had a Heisman vote he’d get it.  We’ve already broken down the age barrier of stupidity for that trophy, so I’d love to see it actually and honestly given to the absolute best player each year regardless of position or team record. 

The shock here was how tough Auburn came into Tuscaloosa.  I know it’s THE rivalry game of all college rivalry games, however, The Tigers’ offense seemed to be in a lull following the deflating loss to A&M November 8th.  I’d say they found their swagger, but I hate it when people use the word swagger, so let’s just say mojo.  Or is that more annoying?  Anyhow, we’ll see how that swajo carries over to Bowl Game TBD sponsored by Who the Hell Knows.

As for The Egg Bowl my gut called for the upset and my brain told me I was an idiot, but sometimes the best luck is of the dumb brand.  I still don’t know how Ole Miss won this game with a myriad of injuries and sloppy play, and not just squeaking by but by a two-touchdown margin. 

This is the exact game we all hoped for weeks ago when both were undefeated as far as performance on the field is concerned.  But the sad part is after a combined four losses over a five week span, even with MSU still alive for a potential playoff berth heading into this game – how many outside the state of M-I-crooked letter will remember this season and game for what it was really worth in half a decade’s time?

Biggest Shank: If we’re all going to rip off our shirts, wave our hands in a circular fashion, place them by our ears and wait for crowds to cheer “SEC” when our teams win out of conference, then we’ve got to be prepared for a chorus of boos and trash thrown in the ring when we go heel and lose. Brother.

The East was a dreadful 0-4 against the dang ACC on Saturday, and this shank hurts more than most this year. This one doesn’t feel like a tee box shank but more of the prison yard, left to bleed shank variety.

Kentucky finished its 2014 collapse losing 44-40 to Louisville. It was a valiant effort against a “meh” Cardinals team that although is ranked, really beat no one along the way. After a 5-1 start, UK wraps up 5-7 and can officially usher in the hoops season although I suspect that happened weeks ago. Rumor has it John Calipari was sending the Cats’ play book to opponents to help take the fan focus off the gridiron.

The Wildcats’ loss was probably the least surprising of the day, but actually featured the only head coach I’m 100% sure will be there next year. South Carolina fell 35-17 to Clemson, which was sweet for Dabo Swinney after a five game skid to Steve Spurrier in The Battle of The Palmetto State. Spurrier’s stay in Columbia has been in question and while I know going out with a loss would rub him raw, it wouldn’t shock me to hear him utter something like, “well we all can’t go out winners. Just ask Phil Fulmer about his final season.”

Florida lost to FSU 24-19 in what we all know was Will Muschamp’s final song of an awful concert. Thank God there’s no encore. Like UK, the effort was there and UF could have and should have won the game. But in the end, they did not, because FSU just knows how to win games, was scrong, is tested but unconquered, quiets the haters and their dads can beat up your dads. Nana nana boo boo, and such.  

As for Muschamp his knack for absurd stats reared it’s ugly head one final time in his Reign of Error, as FSU became the only FBS squad to win with its starting QB tossing four picks. I’m standing and starting a slow clap if anyone’s with me.

And then there’s UGA providing the shimmering shank of this four pack. The Bulldogs squibbed away a three-point lead with less than half a minute to play before falling in OT to Georgia Tech 30-24. Mark Richt owned Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate coming in with a .92 winning percentage in the rivalry, but this loss capped off an uneven, unpredictable year for The Dawgs. Richt’s seat has simmered off and on before, but with losses to a middling Florida team and the in-state rival in the same season for just the second time in his tenure, his chairlift is getting a little closer to the sun.  

Biggest Chafe: In spite of all I just said, I can’t really find it in my heart to pat The ACC too hard on the back. While the East did in fact lay an egg on Saturday, three of the four eggs were actually expected to be laid. Not only were FSU, Clemson and Louisville favored to win, they all came in ranked to face their unranked in-state rivals.

Clemson has the smallest spread but produced the biggest win, dominating The Gamecocks all afternoon. But they should have against a .500 team that may have been the season’s biggest disappointment. Louisville had to hang on by a sliver against a team on a five game skid losing by an average of 25.6 points in those games. In Tallahassee FSU failed to impress, again, but somehow won, again, and no one outside of their brainwashed cult of a fan base really expects them to win out.

Maybe I’m being a crybaby for my team and conference going 0-4 on Saturday. Strutting into the day I felt a 2-2 split at best and 1-3 more realistically. While I saw these feasible losses, I guess other out of conference fans didn’t prompting the use of my least favorite term “overrated”. To use this as the barometer of claim that the SEC is overrated would be like seeing one Jim Carrey movie ever, having it be Dumb and Dumber To, and claiming the same for his entire catalogue.

The ACC had its four best teams on display against one of the SEC’s best of eight and three middle of the roaders. In fantasy nerd booking, let’s keep the Georgia/Tech game as is and I’ll continue to give The Wreck their due, but flip the others to Alabama vs. Miami, Mississippi State vs. North Carolina and Auburn vs. Virginia for similar records and rankings. I cannot guarantee 3-0 there, but I’d be willing to bet a year of no beer in those match ups and dammit, I do love beer.

The moral of the story here is don’t brag about how tall you are if you’re visiting Midgetville and are only 5’4″. You’re still gonna have troubles at the vast majority of urinals. And I should know. I’m only 5’4″.

My Lousy Picks: This old SOB pulled a 7-2 ATS out of my keister in the final week of the regular season.  I was regarded a full-blown demented, idiotic, moronic clown of a boob for picking Mizzou and Ole Miss and for daring to think Auburn could score 28 on daggum Alabama rowdaggumtide. Seriously, if anyone ever questioned the mockery of “Row Tide”, watched the Paul Finebaum Iron Bowl Simulcast Spectacular and still doesn’t understand it, I don’t know what to tell you other than you also call Mr. Finebaum “Paw”.

I didn’t go 9-0 to get back to .500 as I hoped and therefore finish the regular season of my early week lousy picks at 41-45-1. Like Arkansas football, it’s not bad, but it’s not good – and there’s always next season.  Unlike Arkansas fans, I’m not proud of my mediocrity.

Until then we’ve still got conference championships, and since we only have one battle in the SEC – I’m going rogue and slapping down some out of conference picks for championship week for those games that matter.

Game of the Week: SEC Championship

Missouri vs. Alabama (-14): The nation thinks Bama has a cake walk here and so does Vegas, and everyone’s given up on Mizzou all season long for three seasons.  This is only the fifth meeting ever for these programs and they’re tied 2-2.  As if it wasn’t exciting enough, now there’s a rubber game on the line to determine the age old discussion of who is better: Alabama or Missouri?  What is “Alabama”, Trabek? Row Tahd.  My Prediction: Bama 38, Mizzou 17

PAC 12 Championship:

Arizona vs. Oregon (-13.5): Rich Rod has won two consecutive against The Quack Attack including the only blemish on Oregon’s schedule this year, 31-24 in Eugene. The Duck’s O-line was a mess that day and Heisman front-runner Marcus Mariota was scrambling for his life.  They’re healthier now and have revenge on their minds. My Prediction:  Oregon 47, Zona 34

ACC Championship:

Florida State (-4) vs. Georgia Tech:  A buddy of mine is adamant that FSU is the worst team to ever go undefeated in the regular season.  Saying forever is a stretch, but even given the last 20 years I think I give that nod to 1998’s Tommy Bowden led Tulane Green Wave.  Their OC?  Rich Rod!  As for this game I want to believe Tech will be the team to finally knock off The Noles, but I just don’t see it.  Jimbo Fisher is just the bizzaro Will Muschamp, doing everything he can to lose but somehow winning. I doubt it’s pretty, and I doubt it’s a cover, but I doubt FSU goes down here.  My Prediction: FSU 31, GT 29

B1G Championship:

Ohio State vs. Wisconsin (-3):  I’ve sucker punched Shelley Meyer’s husband’s team every chance I could all year. I was finally turning the corner on them because I’m a believer in JT Barrett and the kid fractures his ankle.  Now OSU has to turn to sophomore Cardale Jones, a guy who once eloquently tweeted “Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL”.  As for Wisconsin, I’ve had a love affair with Melvin Gordon all season long.  How can you not with his 2260 yards rushing and 26 TDs?  I thought OSU would struggle to win before and without JT it doesn’t get easier.  My Prediction: Wisky 34, TOSU 24

If these games pan out as such, my Final Four is locked with Alabama, Oregon, FSU and TCU.  I do have a tendency to be wrong, so be prepared to see it otherwise.  Follow me on Twitter @thenassar and tell me your predictions and how lousy mine are and we’ll mock each other relentlessly when the games are done.