The week two slate of games wasn’t pretty in the SEC, but you know what is?  Watching Shelley Meyer’s husband’s team lose at home to Beamer Ball. Combine that with the Sparty loss in Eugene and it looks like we won’t have a Big Ten National Champion.  Again.  More on that later as I laugh maniacally and roll right into this week’s Shocks, Shanks and Chafes. 

Biggest Shock: Florida 65, Eastern Michigan 0. Yeah, I’m a Gator, but I don’t live my life strutting down the street in orange and blue jean shorts. Since 2010, I’ve existed with rather tempered expectations for Florida football. I did expect a solid win against Eastern Michigan, but I still wasn’t sold on the offense and thus predicted a 38-0 win.

I was a little off.  UF hung 60 for the first time in a half-decade, which in alligator years is like a full blown decade, and The Eagles were blanked for the first time since 2008. The fan in me grins over a smothering D and slick play from the RBs. But the skeptic in me still isn’t sold on the progression of Jeff Driskel, who averaged 5.5 yards a pass and still doesn’t look comfortable throwing the ball more than 5-12 yards downfield.

He has the talent to sling deep to (true Freshman Treon Harris proved that late) but he always looks like he’s throwing a Tecmo Bowl Hail Mary instead of intentionally putting the ball where it should be. So for now, call me 50/50 on this team: black tie waist up, jean shorts waist down.

Biggest Shank: Not since Lionel Richie pursued a solo career in 1982 has there been a worse Commodore leadership change than what’s going on in Nashville. I legitimately thought the Derek Mason hire was a good one given his track record at Stanford, but the regression at Vanderbilt right now is discouraging for a program that had gained so much.  Stephen Rivers’ 6-25 passing for 60 yards outing was dismal against Ole Miss in the 41-3 loss and for now, it would seem anyone with Vandy on the schedule has it easy. Like Sunday morning.

Biggest Chafe: Back to that beautiful Big Ten.  Can we please just go ahead and remove them from the Power 5 status? Can we rename them the Forgettable Fourteen? They deserve to be in the National Championship discussion as much as the MAC does these days – a conference which won two games against The Big Ten week two.

Twelve years have passed since The Big Ten hoisted a National Championship and the last two times they were represented in the title game it was non-competitive beatings courtesy of the SEC.  Yet every year we get a typical two-spot of teams in the pre-season top 10, giving the faithful in the miserable Midwest hope that they can sneak into a championship game.

I think that hope died on Saturday.  Michigan State had the best shot, but that’s on life support with the loss to Oregon and playing in a conference that otherwise is pretty awful.  Purdue lost to Central Michigan and Northwestern fell to Northern Illinois, those pesky MAC stallions.  And Michigan was utterly lifeless against Notre Dame, ending its NCAA record of 365 games without a shutout dating back to 1984.

Then there’s Ohio State.  I want to drink the tears of the Buckeye fans that mourn their first home opener loss since 1978 to a Virginia Tech team historically woeful against top 10 opponents, entering Columbus 3-23 in road games under Frank Beamer.  I’m sure Shelley’s husband has already started his exit strategy excuses, which may include a health condition, family reasons, that he’s washing his hair or out of the country.

My Lousy Picks: I was asked what I was drinking when I picked South Carolina to win by 31.  It must have been some strong stuff. It was less maddening than picking Toledo to cover the Missouri spread, though. I didn’t want to question Vegas, questioned them even less when the spread dropped and then felt really good when the guru of gaming Phil Steele picked The Rockets as an outright winner.  And then it was fight for Old Mizzou all day.

I finished 4-5 with my lousy picks.  Hey, 44% is better than my projected 33%.  Here are this week’s early pathetic prognostications.

UCF @ Missouri (-9): UCF hosted Missouri in its inaugural year of the SEC and put up a good fight then falling 21-16.  My gut calls for a bigger margin this time at home.  My Prediction: Tigers 31, Knights 17

UMass @ Vandy (-17.5):  The Minutemen are 0-2, too, but at least have scored some points.  I don’t know how to say this, but I just don’t want to watch this game.  My Prediction: UMass 13, ‘Dores 6, Nassar 0

Arkansas @ Texas Tech (-2.5): The best part of this game?  Getting to stare at Kilff Kingsbury and his 7-minute abs on the Lubbock sidelines.  The worst part of the game?  Picking a winner for two former Southwest Conference foes searching for an identity.  My Prediction: Hogs 41, Red Raiders 38

Georgia (-2.5) @ South Carolina: UGA comes off a bye and a big win while USC continues to sputter along into this pivotal early season SEC East collision.  A lot of people think a lot of good things about The Dawgs after their beat down of Clemson, and I think I think those things, too.  I think.  My Prediction: UGA 38, USC 21

LA-Lafayette @ Mississippi (-29): The Rebels should be able to call their shot against The Ragin’ Cajuns.  Look for Bo Wallace to rest in the second half.  My Prediction: Ole Miss 47, Cajuns 14

Mississippi State (-13) @ South Alabama: The only redeeming factor of this game is that these Jaguars are not in the NFL.  MSU gave up too many points to UAB, but won’t do that here.  My Prediction: Bulldogs 42, Jags 14

Southern Miss @ Alabama (-49): The Golden Eagles lost 49-0 to Mississippi State week one and I’ve got a newsflash: Alabama’s better than MSU.  Before you get mad in Starkville and throw your cowbells at your computer, understand I only say that because it’s true. My Prediction: ROWDAMNTAHD 49, Southern Miss 0

UL Monroe @ LSU (-32): The Warhawks have beaten Wake Forrest and Idaho.  I don’t know which one is more impressive.  It really doesn’t matter.  My Prediction: Tigers 48, Monroe 13

Kentucky @ Florida (-17): The Wildcats last beat Florida in a football game on November 15, 1986.  Crocodile Dundee was the #1 movie in America and Boston was heating up the charts with their smash hit, Amanda.  What an awful week to be a Florida Gator, fan of cinema or music enthusiast.  My Prediction: Gators 41, UK 19

Tennessee @ Oklahoma (-21): Boomer Sooner is off to a hot start.  What else is new?  I’ve seen this happen for basically the last 15 years before they slip somewhere.  While I think The Vols put up a significant fight, the talent just isn’t quite there on the road in Norman.  My Prediction: Sooners 38, Vols 24

Rice @ Texas A&M (-29): Rice had a bye this week.  The Aggies basically did as well having their way with Lamar Latrell.  I expect them to do much of the same with The Owls in another dang Southwest Conference rematch.  My Prediction: A&M 59, Rice 9

Tell me how lousy my lousy picks are this week, or feel free to share your shocks, shanks and chafes of the week.  @thenassar