You want Bama? You can't handle the truth. Saban's Week 4 rant, a'ight
A’ight, so I’m starting to get the hang of this whole blogging thing. After the “Not-So-Anonymous Letter” and the “Job Posting for a New Offensive Assistant,” I’m really starting to enjoy this whole JV Journalism thing. It’s kinda similar to coaching the more I think about it. You put in lots of hours for research, planning and meticulous execution … and then, you are rewarded with a chorus in the comment section of internet trolls and Redneck reviews saying “YOUR dumb,” which really makes it all worth it you guys.
Regardless, I could get used to this whole weekly keyboard warrior thing where I give y’all a piece of my mind a’ight. Honestly, after last week, I’ve got a few things I want to discuss that have me hotter than the seat Butch Jones, Kevin Sumlin and Gus Malzahn are sitting on.
So, grab an ice-cold 20-ounce bottle of Coke, and strap in because Uncle Nick is about to drop some truth bombs on y’all about the State of the Nation in the SEC, a’ight.
First, let’s talk about our game this past Saturday against Colorado State. What a travesty, huh? According to the media and fans, we had a pathetic showing by giving up almost 400 yards of offense en route to a 41-23 win in a glorified scrimmage where we had 5 LBs out and played so many “scrubs” you would’ve thought we were at a damn TLC concert. This lackluster performance also saw QB Jalen Hurts put up 350+ yards (248 through the air) with 3 TDs and zero turnovers, which was weird considering he is incapable of being a downfield passer, a’ight.
But, Danny Kanell is right — we aren’t the best team in the country, as he illustrated in his weekly Top 8 Team Rankings on Twitter.
First off, I want to say how much I truly respect and appreciate Danny Kanell, a’ight. His full commitment to thinking turtlenecks are fashionable, and that stirring the pot on with tweets actually makes him a legitimate college football analyst puts his delusion and confidence on par with Kanye West.
Second, I want to congratulate Danny. I mean as far as I’m concerned it takes balls, and a lot of effort, to be less likable than Joey Galloway, but, bravo Danny. You’ve achieved the impossible, a’ight. Back to the game …
Guys, I’m sorry we underwhelmed you when we entered the fourth quarter up 38-10 and then only played the second- and third-string contingent of former 5-star recruits in mop up duty. I’m sorry we forced two turnovers, but didn’t score a touchdown on either of them. I’m sorry that we (like always) called plays on offense that were more vanilla and bland than my outfit of pleated khakis and Rockports I got on sale at Belk and am currently wearing.
Next time I’ll be sure to: 1) play the freshman QB more, 2) target Calvin Ridley more, and 3) (somehow) run the damn ball more since that seems to be the ONLY secret to a successful offense according to every assistant manager, mechanic, biased blogger, etc., who has an opinion about my coaching across the state of Alabama.
I’m sorry. We should’ve run trick plays, flea flickers, reverses and exotic zone blocking schemes for the whole world to see. I’ll do more to entertain you.
You want entertainment? Go to a movie or go people watching at Wal-Mart off McFarland Blvd, a’ight? You want to see the state of Alabama win at something other than most NFL draft busts and being the butt of jokes about taboo relationships? Then hop on the pain train I’m currently conducting through the SEC. Choo Choo, y’all.
We’re 3-0. We’re ranked No. 1 in the country. We don’t play anyone difficult until November. and, we haven’t even come close to hitting stride yet. So, take a Xanax and enjoy an oatmeal cream pie or two. It really helps take the edge off. Trust me.
I’m sorry so many people were disappointed in our performance, but I’m not gonna defend the way my team played Saturday because it would be a waste of breath. And, everyone knows that I plan out an exact number of breaths each and every day.
I also know a lot of people are concerned about the 3-score victory though. Especially since two of my seniors called a players only “come to Jesus meeting” on Monday. Does that worry me? No. My players are so “processed,” that they are doing the ass-chewings for me, a’ight?
Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t give them an earful for giving up 14 points in the fourth quarter to a state university that is only known for skiing and medical marijuana? Absolutely not. I have to do something to fill my day to day schedule besides win, rinse, repeat. And I can only assume that the media and message boards are so bored with my decade-long dominance that when we don’t cover the spread in a September non-con game, it must mean that the dynasty is over and dying faster than my hairline or Butch Jones’ job security.
The dynasty isn’t dying, a’ight? I mean who is going to take it from us in the SEC anyways? There are only two coaches who’ve ever beaten me in the conference (Kevin Sumlin and Gus Malzahn), and they aren’t gonna repeat that this year. Arkansas and Ole Miss? Grow up.
LSU? That barrel chested drunk uncle Ed Orgeron seemed as prepared for Miss. State as Coach O would be for a solo in the Christmas Cantata, a’ight. Florida and Tennessee? They had a glorified tug-of-war for who wanted to win less in Gainesville. I haven’t seen someone try to ruin a chance at victory like that since the 1919 Black Sox threw the World Series.
Missouri? They lost to a team that hasn’t been good since Y2K. Kentucky and South Carolina? Only if it’s in basketball, a’ight. Who’s left? Mississippi State and UGA? Sorry Kirby, but no former assistant coach of mine has ever beat me. Also, don’t forget that we beat Nick Fitzgerald 51-3 last year. That’s right. Just a casual 48-point win over everyone’s new Cinderella and media darling.
So, who is gonna do it?
Honestly, the only team in the SEC that has a chance at beating us this year is Auburn. Not because they’re any good. But after QB Sean White was arrested Saturday they finally have a quarterback with a criminal record like any other time they’ve played for a championship in the past decade. Or did, anyway, before White left.
Which leaves one team. Vanderbilt … hahaha that’s adorable.
That’s right. The perennial bottom-feeder of the conference who is somehow 3-0 and leading the country in total defense. Fresh off a big win against a geriatric great on the gridiron, Bill Snyder, Vandy will face my Bama battalion of freak athletes and future first rounders at 3:30 Saturday on national TV.
How will we ever go on the road against an upstart sleeping giant from the SEC East? Nobody goes into Vanderbilt Stadium in front of 40,000 screaming lawyers and alumni in black and gold and comes out unscathed a’ight. Just ask DL Nifae Lealao who said “Bama, you’re next” after the ‘Dores’ thrilling 14-7 win Saturday over Kansas State.
I honestly don’t know what made me laugh more. That comment, or the fact that the 300-pound lineman’s voice was so soft and high-pitched that he almost sounded like Terrance Howard in Hustle & Flow.
Listen, Vandy has as much chance of beating me Saturday as a Starbucks barista has of spelling his name right on his orange mocha frappuccino. Bama hasn’t lost in Nashville since 1969 and has won 67 consecutive games against unranked opponents.
Now, excuse me while I go back to overseeing my dynasty of 5-star robots. Hopefully, we can do something crazy out of character this weekend like miss a tackle, make a long field goal, or trail our opponent for longer than the 15 minutes of fame Danny Kanell is currently enjoying, so you guys can have something new and exciting to complain about.
In the meantime I have to go win, rinse, and repeat.
(Editor’s note: In case it wasn’t obvious, Nick Saban didn’t actually write this. He might think it, but …)