Mergers and acquisitions are typically something reserved for Wall Street, but today the Southeastern Conference has announced that it has acquired the Atlantic Coast Conference … at least when it comes to football.

No, the SEC won’t be acquiring the ACC schools themselves, and this isn’t your typical conference realignment or expansion move. The SEC is indeed acquiring the ACC football programs, but moving forward, the majority of what we know as ACC football will simply not exist.

The move is more akin to an “acqui-hire” – a strategy often employed in Silicon Valley where a larger company buys out a smaller company to secure a select few individuals and assets. By and large, the bulk of the products or assets of the company being acquired are thrown away.

The academics and non-football sports of the ACC schools will remain unaffected.

What assets and personnel will be merged into the SEC and which ones will be tossed away? The SEC has kept a tight lid on the details as not to cause unnecessary strife, but some information has been leaked.

Not surprisingly, Florida State and Clemson are receiving the most love of the ACC football programs.

The following assets will be auctioned off in a closed-door session of coaches and other SEC officials: Florida State’s “Chief Osceola” entrance, Clemson’s Howard’s Rock and RB Dalvin Cook’s services.

SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey noted that he had no interest in the vast majority of the ACC’s football teams.

“These clowns added Pittsburgh and Syracuse a few years ago. Isn’t the idea to get better at football? I’m pretty sure Syracuse is in Canada. Traveling to Canada in the fall for a football game? No thanks.”

ACC Commissioner John Swofford explained why the conference decided to throw in the towel on football: “I’m frankly sick of the SEC chants everywhere I go. I get it. You guys are the best.

“We’re going to focus on being great at basketball and other …” Swofford was unable to finish the sentence as he became quite emotional.

Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney remains optimistic despite losing what many considered to be a national championship-caliber football team.

“I’m excited to return to the University of Alabama and prove to Coach (Nick) Saban that I can be a valuable member of the team.”

Moments later, Swofford surprisingly rushed back to the mic in an agitated state and seemed focused on Notre Dame.

“NOTRE DAME SCREWED US. THEY WOULDN’T COMMIT TO A FULL MEMBERSHIP. ONLY FIVE FOOTBALL GAMES A YEAR? THE NOTRE DAME-ACC DEAL WAS A MESS, BUT I HAD NO CHOICE. WE WERE DESPERATE.”

The recent announcement of the ESPN-backed ACC Network to launch in 2019 seems odd considering the now-pending agreement with the SEC.

Several media members noted at the time that considering how rapidly the television landscape is changing, a planned TV network launch three years from now seems unlikely.

ESPN President John Skipper attempted (and failed) to express that his company genuinely planned to launch the network: “We were confident and remain confident that an ACC Network would attract a large amount of viewers” — Skipper barely completed the sentence before he doubled over in laughter.

But the laughter soon turned to a more bizarre state of anger as Skipper continued, “Oh, who are we kidding? Nobody was going to watch an ACC Network. At least not on a television. IT’S THOSE DAMN CORD-CUTTERS, I TELL YOU. ALL THEY CARE ABOUT TODAY ARE THEIR CELLULAR PHONES AND THEIR BROWSING OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. KIDS DON’T WANT TO WATCH SPORTSCENTER. ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THE TWITTER AND THE SNAPCHAT. GOOD LUCK, AMERICA. I’M GLAD I’LL BE DEAD IN A COUPLE DECADES.”

Whether the SEC’s move sets off additional dominoes in the conference realignment environment remains to be seen.

Obligatory disclaimer: This was a satire.

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