I have a confession, one that I am reluctant to share but simultaneously gleeful to report: Auburn football disaster injects me with an unnatural level of happiness.

If you’re like me, the current state of things in the Happiest Village on The Plains makes you smile ear-to-ear, as the Tigers are … checking notes to be sure here … not good.

Auburn is 2-2 overall after generously gifting Arkansas coach Sam Pittman an inbound contract extension by letting the Razorbacks walk all over them 24-14 on Saturday. Having already lost to Cal in what was at the time deemed a shocker but now looks like an expected result, cupcake Ws against Alabama A&M and New Mexico feel like distant memories for the Tigers.

It isn’t so much as I have anything against any Auburn players, per se. I’m sure they generally are a respectful group of gentlemen out there giving it their honest best effort. But it is literally darn near everything around them that draws out those unnatural levels of human emotion.

Let’s start with the borderline creepy Auburn Creed they have, which has cult-like qualities that would make the late David Koresh raise an eyebrow. Yes, the Tigers are hardly alone in that regard, as our friends in College Station also possess similar “qualities” and draw more smirks than smiles from opponents’ fan bases.

Much like in Aggie-land, too, the Little Brother Syndrome is healthy and fully formed at Auburn. It doesn’t help that Alabama is a state without any pro sports so that you basically have to choose at birth whether you’re a Tiger for life or all about the Tide. But if you go the orange-and-blue route, you are also gifted an invisible chip for your shoulder to carry around about the Capstone and its football riches.

Auburn also brought a lot of this enmity on itself when it pulled the rip cord on coach Bryan Harsin after just over a year and – after Cadillac Williams towel-waved his way through an interim stint to end the 2022 season – ventured into the Bruised Fruit section of the supermarket to pick Freeze off the shelf.

The former Ole Miss coach had been banished to the FBS hinterlands in Lynchburg, Va., and generally revitalized his professional career via 34 victories in 4 seasons. But Freeze will always be known as the guy who couldn’t even muster enough common sense to use burner cellphones when he called escort services, while simultaneously committing enough recruiting violations in Oxford to make the NCAA consider opening a permanent office in town.

Back to the current Tigers. Like we said, they are very not good this year – and that’s putting it charitably. In more direct terms, they are a straight-up mess.

It is one thing to have a quarterback controversy like the one brewing in Texas every time Arch Manning torches some directional school while Quinn Ewers is healing up. But Auburn actually has a quarterback sinkhole on its hands – as Payton Thorne and Hank Brown are actively racing to the bottom of the SEC statistical rankings with each passing week.

Thorne caught a rear-end full of bench this week against Arkansas after throwing 4 interceptions against Cal, but Freeze went back to him when his replacement – freshman Hank Brown – coughed up 3 first-half picks to Arkansas. At this point, Freeze has to be looking around Lee County for anyone who can manage to throw it to his team more than the other guys.

OK, you say to yourself, surely Freeze’s Tigers will get the hang of this thing at some point, right? Perhaps, but the SEC ain’t filled with Arkansas-quality opposition from here on out. Auburn welcomes in No. 21 Oklahoma next week to Jordan-Hare Stadium, then hits the road Oct. 5 to play No. 2 Georgia and again Oct. 19 against No. 11 Missouri.

Oof.

The end of the season will be no Toomer’s Drug Store lemonade-infused picnic, either, as Auburn takes on a scrappy 24th-ranked Texas A&M squad at home Nov. 23 before heading across the state for its annual whipping at the hands of No. 4 Alabama on Nov. 30.

On the plus side, because we are all about looking for the silver lining here, those new Toomer’s Corner oaks will likely be spared celebratory toilet-paper peltings once it is all said and done. And who doesn’t like a postseason trip to scenic Birmingham Bowl, right?

Make no mistake: The 2024 Auburn Tigers are an impending disaster, the college football version of a slow-motion train wreck you can’t take your eyes off of. No amount of Freeze recruiting magic can help them in midseason, and there are a severely limited number of capable quarterbacks inside the Auburn-Opelika Metropolitan Area.

Smiling with glee yet? If so, you’re not alone.