Everybody deserves a gift. Don’t believe that? Tell me then why even prisoners get Christmas gifts.
(OK, I don’t know that for a fact. I’m basing that entirely on what was said by the police officers at the end of “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” when — spoiler alert — the Sticky Bandits were being detained after robbing a toy store and attempting to shoot Kevin McCallister on Christmas Eve.)
There’s a Michigan joke somewhere in there, but I don’t have the heart to make it. Way too soon.
After all, it’s Christmas. ‘Tis the season of giving.
Here are Christmas gifts for every SEC team in 2025:
Alabama — Entry into an ultramarathon
That would actually force Alabama to run. Lord knows the Tide haven’t exactly done that this year with a ground game that’s currently the worst we’ve seen in Tuscaloosa since 1955. Alabama fans are used to watching several different players break free and run from the pack. Maybe an ultramarathon isn’t the best place to do just that, but at the very least, it’ll ensure that the Tide have to put one foot in front of the other instead of getting stuffed at the line of scrimmage.
Arkansas — A set of horseshoes
What’s the phrase again? Being close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades? I figured the former was a more appropriate gift than the latter, though after the 2-10 season, that’s probably not a universal opinion. Arkansas needs a game that it can win by simply being close. In the Sam Pittman era, Arkansas went 7-19 in 1-score games, which doesn’t include the 0-3 mark that Bobby Petrino had in those spots. Fortunately, Ryan Silverfield was 19-15 in 1-score games at Memphis. Unfortunately, a significant rebuild awaits and being close isn’t a Year 1 guarantee.
Auburn — A magic set
Jordan-Hare Stadium was once considered the home to weird, even magical things. Whether that was the Kick 6 or the Prayer at Jordan-Hare, you could once set your watch to weird, unexplainable things happening on The Plains. Dare I say, the magic is gone. It’s not just that Auburn has 5 consecutive losing seasons for the first time since the Harry Truman administration; it’s that the Jordan-Hare magic is gone. In the post-Gus Malzahn era, Auburn‘s home record vs. Power Conference competition is 5-17. That includes an 0-3 mark vs. Alabama, who has since captured all the Jordan-Hare magic in the 2020s. While Alex Golesh rebuilds that remarkable home advantage — I ranked him as the No. 2 hire in this entire coaching carousel — Auburn can enjoy practicing magic to pass the time.
Florida — A white noise machine
Personally, I can’t sleep without one. Jon Sumrall has been getting 2-hour nights of sleep while juggling 2 jobs, so clearly, he could use that. But the white noise machine would also help Florida fans drown out the opinions of others as Sumrall begins his quest to get the program back to national relevance. That might not take shape in Year 1. But at a place that has had 4 consecutive coaches fail to reach Year 5 — I’m not sure if you’ve heard that — blocking out the noise and focusing on the long term outlook is pivotal.
Georgia — A bar of soap
I heard that NSFW leaked audio of Kirby Smart in practice. Smart, a Gen X coach who was raised by Baby Boomer parents, surely had a childhood experience in which he was punished by his parents by having a bar of soap put in his mouth. It’s an old-fashioned method that has since faded from the mainstream, but plenty of what Georgia does feels like it’s from the previous generation. For example, UGA still hasn’t discovered that Uber exists.
Kentucky — Full ownership of The Dude Perfect YouTube channel
Why would a bunch of Aggies fork over something that prints money? Simple. Mark Stoops did Texas A&M a favor by ultimately not getting that job and having it go to Mike Elko. Now, Kentucky is on the hook for a $37 million buyout to its all-time wins leader. What better way to fund that than by taking over the YouTube channel that’s earned generational wealth thanks to its billions of views and worldwide popularity. And while I have full confidence that Will Stein knows his way around an offensive playbook, Kentucky can also dig back into the Dude Perfect archives and find some improbable trick shot ideas to turn around a unit that failed to crack the top 100 in yards/play the last 2 years.
LSU — A shelter puppy that Lane Kiffin totally lives with
Hey, it helped make him likable at Ole Miss. Why not bust out the puppy immediately after LSU suffers a devastating loss next year?
Mississippi State — A stadium’s worth of sound-proofing wall panels
Wait a minute. Wouldn’t that make Davis-Wade Stadium quieter? Isn’t the whole point of having 60,000 fans swinging cowbells supposed to create an unmatched home-field advantage that leaves visitors with a week-long headache? Yes and yes. But last I checked, Mississippi State hasn’t won a home game vs. an SEC team in the post-Mike Leach era. Like, the last time the Bulldogs beat an SEC team in front of their home fans was Nov. 5, 2022 vs. Auburn, AKA the time that Leach took his own team’s chairs away as it blew a 3-touchdown lead and needed overtime to beat a 5-7 team with a first-time head coach. The cowbells are great, but it might be time to pull a 180 to change up the vibes. Being the quietest stadium in America with tens of thousands of people would be a unique home-field advantage.
Mizzou — A Ford Model T
Mizzou gets a car to match its dated passing game. Fun fact: The first forward pass completed in an organized game happened back in 1906, fittingly at Saint Louis University. Small world! Yes, Ahmad Hardy dominated for a potent Mizzou ground game and Beau Pribula showed flashes before he suffered a multi-week injury … only to finish the season and then enter the transfer portal. Only 7 FBS teams had fewer 30-yard passes than Mizzou, who was forced to turn to Matt Zollers, AKA the 3rd-string, true freshman quarterback who was 7-for-23 on passes that were 10 yards past the line of scrimmage. Zollers could return as the starter, or Eli Drinkwitz could dip into the portal. Either way, Mizzou’s passing game will try to get into the 21st century in 2026.
Oklahoma — A gift receipt on the $800,000 Jaydn Ott NIL deal
Surely Oklahoma could make a strong case to get all of it its money back for that, right? Ott was barely taken out of the packaging!
Ole Miss — A sideline punching bag
Take all of that anger out. Go ahead. Who needs a sideline basketball hoop anymore? That’s yesterday’s celebration. Instead, shift to the punching bag, and if a certain former coach’s face is featured prominently on it, well, I’m not gonna tell you what to do with your own present.
South Carolina — A Ring doorbell camera
South Carolina lacked protection in 2025. Anyone could just come onto their porch, steal their packages, sack LaNorris Sellers and walk away unscathed en route to victory. Sellers regressed, but he was also subjected to a 41.9% pressure rate on drop-backs, which was easily the highest in the SEC (it was No. 9 in the FBS among QBs with at least 50 pressured drop-backs). Sure, a Ring doorbell camera isn’t exactly Pentagon-level protection, but nobody is saying that the elusive Sellers needs that. He just needs something to allow him to sit in his living room and not have teenagers nabbing packages off his porch.
Tennessee — A moat
To be fair, Tennessee could argue that it’s already on the way to a moat because of the Tennessee River right next to Neyland Stadium. It’s the closest thing to a moat that basically anyone in college football has. But I’m talking about a full moat surrounding the stadium. Why? Call me old fashioned, but that’s the best line of defense. A moat gets the job done. Tennessee’s defense didn’t get the job done in 2025, which was why Josh Heupel fired Tim Banks. I’m not saying that a moat fixes all of those defensive issues for new DC Jim Knowles, but I am saying moats are currently undefeated (and also nonexistent) at college football stadiums.
Texas — A DVD of the movie “Yesterday”
In the 2019 film, it plays out what the world would’ve looked like after a temporary blackout erased all memories of a few key world developments, most notably “The Beatles.” Not to spoil the movie, but the main character is a musician who gets hit on his bike the second that this blackout occurs, so he doesn’t forget these key world developments in the way that 99.9% of the population does, so he then writes and performs all of “The Beatles” songs as if they’re his own. This is the exact sequence of events that Texas needed to make the Playoff, except instead of the world having no memory of “The Beatles,” we all just forget that Texas got beat by 4-8 Florida.
Texas A&M — An alarm clock
Johnny Manziel could’ve used one to get to College Station from Miami, but A&M in general would’ve benefitted from that. The South Carolina game wasn’t just a sleepy start; it was a nightmare start wherein A&M woke up at halftime in a cold sweat. And A&M’s offense didn’t wake up in the Miami game until the very last drive, which still ended with an interception in the end zone. Much like with the aforementioned McCallister family in “Home Alone,” an alarm clock would’ve solved a ton of problems.
Vanderbilt — A pause button
Of all the problems for Vanderbilt to have, let’s be real here. Getting “snubbed” for a Playoff spot isn’t a problem that Vandy was ever expected to address, nor was anyone assuming we’d ever discuss the problems with a regrettable Instagram story by a Vandy quarterback after he finished as the Heisman Trophy runner-up. Shoot, 5-star quarterback Jared Curtis flipping from Georgia to Vandy at the last minute is enough of a reason for a pause button in Nashville. But add in all the other stuff and it just makes sense. Plus, a pause button is (probably?) the only way that Pavia stays in Nashville another season.
Connor O'Gara is the senior national columnist for Saturday Down South. He's a member of the Football Writers Association of America. After spending his entire life living in B1G country, he moved to the South in 2015.
