Nothing wanes quicker than our attention span at the sight of something loud and shiny. The NFL and NCAA know this, so to vie for our money love and souls affection, stadiums are eternally under construction. Similar to I-35 between Austin and Dallas.
The two cities also represent two of the things that Texas does biggest: televisions. Dallas has a 160-foot wide by 72-foot tall screen at AT&T Stadium and, of course, Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium’s Godzillatron. But both those screens are ancient in terms of technology. Not only has Auburn topped them in size, but has figured out a new way to use their $14 million toy to wow recruits.
It worked on four-star defensive tackle Antwuan Jackson.
First time in History Playing Madden on the biggest Jumbo Screen in the world ❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️ pic.twitter.com/enbaSOcmpH
— ⭐️Antwuan Jackson⭐️ (@Hercules__52) January 16, 2016
But 190-foot screens that are longer than Texas A&M’s Kyle Field is tall (180 feet), aren’t the only methods stadiums are using to put fannies in their seats.
Minnesota will install fantasy football scoreboards throughout their new U.S. Bank Stadium. The new football stadium in Los Angeles is rumored to have a farmer’s market. And Santa Clara’s Levi’s Stadium is being turned into something called a “smart stadium” by its Silicon Valley neighbors.
SEC loves the competition — both on the gridiron and in the technology field, owning eight of the 25 largest video screens in the nation — including three of the top-five (Auburn, Texas A&M, Arkansas).
We can do better than just enormous screens. We’re upgrading SEC stadiums and we’re not thinking little. Think water attractions, bathing suits and lots more live animals — and combinations of all three.
This is our second installment in this series. We took some of your suggestions from the first one and intermingled with some new ones of our own to fill in some of the stadiums we missed and offer some fresh thoughts on a few old ones.
Disclaimer: remember, these are lighthearted.
ALABAMA
University of Colorado football has the best animal entrance in the nation … and that’s about it. Alabama can’t settle for that and has an obvious solution as plain as the trunk on their face. It’s time the Tide trotted in a live elephant prior to kickoff. The University of Alabama should take some money from this year’s national title and create an elephant husbandry degree. Then on game day, we’re letting that sucker loose.
ARKANSAS
Misplaced_Arkie’s suggestion of an above ground pool in Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium is difficult to argue against. But we’re going to take it further and offer a different activity to do in a swim suit: Pig Mud Wrasslin’. And once the authorities and/or PETA shuts us down after a few seconds, we’ll just offer regular mud wrestling for fans.
AUBURN
Having the largest video screen in the nation isn’t enough for Auburn’s Jordan-Hare. You actually have to look up at it. To save our necks, we’re going to hire the best minds to create a projection-system that will broadcast the game directly onto the field itself, filling all 100 yards.
GEORGIA
Here’s an interesting tidbit on how a stadium’s plumbing is tested. The company constructing U.S. Bank Stadium in downtown Minneapolis is enlisting players from local high school football teams and other volunteers to simultaneously flush every toilet in the new facility. You know, for science. After they’re done with the Vikings’ new digs, we’re going to bring them down to Athens to fix Sanford Stadium’s plumbing.
Once that’s amended, we’re taking the 600 section of the stadium — the nosebleeds where we stick the visiting fans — and raising it even higher than it already is to ear-bleed level. It’s easier to do that than to grow the hedges higher to block opposing fans’ view.
MISSOURI
You say you’re the best at BBQ, eh, Missouri? How about for once you show us. We’re talking the world’s largest smoker, one that will run the length of the back of the end zone. Both end zones. We sell an entrance fee to it and allow fans to bring their own cuts of meat to cook while watching the game live in front of them. What could go wrong? We’ll officially create college football’s greatest smelling venue. Take that, Rose Bowl.
OLE MISS
Ole Miss promises to put a lot of points in 2016. We’re going to exploit that by making it interesting for fans willing to get a black-eye for an opportunity of a lifetime. Down come the field goal nets at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. The object is simple: not only catch the ball, but make it onto the field with the ball. If you live to tell about it, your reward is to watch the rest of the game from the sideline with the team.
SOUTH CAROLINA
This is a tricky one because every single one of you wants me to say “halftime cock fighting,” but I just can’t condone it. Our Williams-Brice addition will be subtle, away from the fans’ eyes as we take a play out of legendary Iowa head coach Hayden Fry, who had the visitor’s locker room of Kinnick Stadium painted pink. We’re going to install an enormous chicken coop in the visitor’s locker room and see how long the competition can withstand the sound and smell.
https://twitter.com/CFBStadiums/status/632601573684838400
TENNESSEE
This suggestion comes from SDS commenter Umbra: “Neyland could go for a lazy river that’d let the Vol Navy kinda drift through the stadium. Either that, or put some helipads on top of the boxes so we can get a Vol Air Force too. Granted, we’d then also have to have some tanks from the nearby National Guard come in and make a proper Vol Army. General Neyland would be proud.”
Chris Wuensch is a contributing writer for Saturday Down South. He covers South Carolina and Tennessee.
