Nick Saban accepting applications for New Assistant (open to the public)
By Chris Marler
Published:
A’ight, a lot’s been made about some things I said during my postgame press conference following the Fresno State game Saturday. Specifically one sound bite that has apparently made its way around the Internet Tweeters on MySpace or whatever like damn wildfire.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then I’m assuming you were busy this past Saturday watching Arkansas embarrass the conference against TCU or you were out buying a case of delicious 20-ounce Coke bottles like the one that sits on my podium every week.
Side note, bottles of Coke are delicious, dependable and definitely a must have in the fridge this fall! Even more than that, an ice cold Coca-Cola is a good friend and companion through all of the hard times AND hard questions that come at me every week from the media. But, I digress a’ight?
Anyways, after our weekly methodical and yawn-inducing victory in Week 2 one of the media members apparently decided to grow a pair and tell me that our offensive line play was “so-so.” I was a little surprised at first, a’ight. Then shortly afterward I gave him a silent glare and stare that literally burned a hole through his soul.
Then, I made one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made since thinking I could trust Lane Kiffin as a person, a’ight. I tried to make a joke. Yikes. It went over about as well as a Hugh Freeze alibi, a’ight. I told the no-named faceless beat writer from the Anniston Star (or whatever it was) that maybe he was right and after I watched the game tape that maybe we’d “hire his ass.”
I assumed that everyone would understand I was kidding a’ight. I was wrong.
I mean I know that my sense of humor surfaces about as much as a sunny day in London or a preseason expectation is met down in Auburn a’ight. But I kind of gave everyone the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t gullible enough to think that I’d actually value the opinion of, let alone hire, some armchair quarterback who has about as much experience in coaching as I do in dunking a basketball.
Shockingly, nobody got the joke, and the amount of resumes I’ve received this week has been overwhelmingly unsettling. Especially the ones written in crayon.
Regardless, we don’t play any tough teams until November, and I’m bored. Plus, Miss Terry told me I needed some new hobbies besides winning and frowning, a’ight.
So, I decided to say screw it, and just finally be a man of my word for once. (Sorry again Miami Dolphins). That being said ….
This week the Alabama Football program would like to officially announce that we will be holding the first-ever job fair and open interview session for anyone interested in filling our newest position on the coaching staff — “Offensive Line Analyst/Graduate Assistant to the Regional Manager.”
Sure, we already have more assistant coaches and support staff than every team in the FCS combined, but what’s one more, a’ight?
While we request that only serious inquiries and applicants submit for the position, we are an equal opportunity employer here at UA a’ight. We are open to anyone who feels they can do the job more effectively than any one of the former and/or future head coaches currently working under me. After all, I may have 5 national titles and the best program in the country, but, you know what I don’t have?
YOU! Or, your can-do attitude and overbearing opinions!
All applicants should have at least one year of message board posting experience as well as a background in, but not limited to, the following: second guessing play calls, yelling at your TV screen any time you see a jet sweep, emotional instability after incomplete passes, a complete disregard for logic and/or reason, little to no actual experience playing football (or any sport) past the High School JV level, and MOST IMPORTANT, a commitment to screaming, “Run The Damn Ball!” as often as humanly possible.
If that describes you, then maybe you have what it takes to be the next analyst we hire to help build a coaching staff that’s even bigger than your ignorance!
Think of it like one of those classic against-all-odds sports movies, a’ight like: “The Rookie,” “Invincible,” or “Rudy.” But instead of being an undersized or overlooked walk-on who never gives up, you’re just a loudmouthed fan who overvalues his opinion and takes himself more seriously than they ever took their own career or education! Roll Tide!
Editor’s note: In case it was not 100 percent obvious, Nick Saban is not actually seeking any help, a’ight?
Chris Marler is a writer and comedian from Atlanta, GA. He's also a lifelong Alabama fan which is just one of his many flaws.
