This year, Week 9 of college football coincides with Halloween, one of the most whimsical of holidays.
While fans are free to wear costumes, most of our teams won’t be able to. They’ll have to put on their regular uniforms, in addition to the weighty responsibility of our happiness. After all, nothing takes the motivation out of trick-or-treating like watching your team lose a game they should have or needed to win.
Because they can’t wear their costumes out on the field, we’re giving them the space here. We’ve assigned each SEC team the Halloween costume it should wear to represent how its season has gone so far.
Happy Halloween, SEC!
ALABAMA
Men in Black
The Crimson Tide — despite some recent shakiness — is cool, calm, collected, and confident that they will once again dominate the conference. When they take down opponents, they like to do it in style. Their demeanor is that of the black suit, black tie, and sunglasses-wearing Men in Black. Alabama also would like to use this opportunity to take out its neuralyzer and erase from your memory that Ole Miss loss. It never happened, y’all. Just forget it.
ARKANSAS
Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones
HBO’s hit drama about political intrigue, dragons and war features a character whose life is always in danger but who refuses to die. Tyrion Lannister has been dealt a hard hand, born a dwarf but forced to carry on the legacy of a family that hates him. Similarly, Arkansas was dealt a hard hand when Jonathan Williams was injured during the preseason. The Razorbacks have met with hard times, losing to Toledo, Texas Tech, and Texas A&M. But Arkansas finds ways to survive, as it showed in four overtimes against Auburn.
AUBURN
Sour Patch Kids
First they’re sour, then they’re sweet. That’s how this popular candy’s catchphrase goes, and it could become a very apt description of Auburn’s season. First, the Tigers were sour. So, so sour. Like, our quarterback is terrible and we can barely beat nonconference opponents sour. Like we’re going to lose big to LSU and Mississippi State sour. But ever since Kentucky, Auburn’s offense has looked like it’s about to turn the corner even despite the loss to Arkansas. Is Auburn finally entering its sweet phase? The fans hope so.
FLORIDA
Drake
Started…started from the bottom now we’re here, says the Florida football team. Started from the bottom now the whole team here. And wouldn’t you know it, they are. For a program that was predicted to get six or seven wins on the season, the Gators are showing up in a big way, currently sitting at the top of their division. They didn’t start from the very bottom, just as Drake didn’t start from obscurity, but their offense is playing at a new level and their defense has an intimidating swagger about them. Now Florida has got enemies, got a lot of enemies, got a lot of people trying to drain it of its energy. It’ll have to stay strong to stay on top.
GEORGIA
Walter White from Breaking Bad
Georgia’s always been there the past few years, not doing too shabby but not breaking out to do anything amazing either. It’s been 15 years now in the Mark Richt era. Have the Bulldogs grown complacent? Is it time for a change? Or is this the year where Georgia goes from Walter White the science teacher to Heisenberg the legendary meth cook? Now, this season hasn’t been total domination so far. The Bulldogs have definitely regressed at times back into the fumbling high school science teacher of old. But just as Walter White had to learn from his mistakes, so too does Georgia. Taking down the rest of their schedule may be tough and may require some haphazard victories, but being the one who knocks isn’t ever easy.
KENTUCKY
Mario
The start of Kentucky’s season was fun. Analysts were saying great things, the offense featured great weapons, they had that Remember-the-Titans practice, and they beat South Carolina. The goal of making a postseason bowl game looked more and more real. Then, the Wildcats lost to the Gators in a low-scoring game many thought they should have won, and it was disappointing. It’s like getting to the end of a castle and learning that the princess you’re searching for is in a different castle. Then Kentucky lost a close one to Auburn and a bad one to Mississippi State. That’s like getting through two more castles and being told the same thing at each one: Your princess is not here. So Kentucky’s quest for its princess, its bowl game, continues.
LSU
Road Runner
So far, 2015 has been the Year of Leonard Fournette. LSU has been able to enjoy its perfect season in large part due to its absolute monster of a running back. So to honor Fournette’s speed and ability to get out of every defensive trap laid in his way, LSU should change from a tiger to the well known cartoon road runner. It’s also perfect in that LSU regards every other team left on its schedule as just another Wile E. Coyote, concocting complicated schemes to contain Fournette. We’ll see if LSU can continue to beep-beep it’s way to more wins.
MISSISSIPPI STATE
Dak Prescott
When trying to find something that embodies how Mississippi State’s season has been going so far, only one person comes to mind and it’s the most important person on the football team: Dak Prescott. When Prescott plays well, the entire Bulldogs offense plays well and they win. When Prescott’s rushing ability is hindered or when his passing accuracy is thrown off, as they were in both Mississippi State losses, the team loses. The entire season depends on Prescott, so why not honor him when you can. And as for what Prescott should dress as for Halloween, he can go as the man he always gets compared to — Tim Tebow.
MISSOURI
Where’s Waldo
At the beginning of the season, Mizzou introduced themselves to everyone as the back-to-back champions of the SEC East. Today, the Tigers will be lucky if they can prevent themselves from finishing last in the division. Such a severe fall from grace just begs the question, what happened? Where did this team go? More specifically, where did the offense go? If anyone spots it, please give a shout. I’m sure Gary Pinkel and the fans would like to know.
OLE MISS
Michael Scott from The Office
Ole Miss started the season as the boss of the league, and enjoyed that position very much. But when the first problem named Florida emerged, the Rebels got flustered and lost their cool. Much like throwing up after a 5K or hitting an employee with your car, Ole Miss now looks decidedly un-bosslike with two losses on its record. But just as Michael Scott never stopped butting into other people’s business, the Rebels’ own losses won’t stop them from trying to ruin some other programs’ season dreams.
SOUTH CAROLINA
Head Ball Coach
Steve Spurrier didn’t define South Carolina’s season as much as he did that school’s entire college football program. He turned a doormat into a SEC contender, and now that the team knows what it feels like to be elite the Gamecocks will always crave it, which will only be a credit to their attitude and outlook. While his midseason resignation will always be synonymous with South Carolina’s 2015 season, this would be not so much a costume as a tribute to a phenomenal coach who lifted programs everywhere he went.
TENNESSEE
Robin
The Volunteers have been sitting in the shadows for a few seasons now, waiting for their chance to step into the spotlight. A lot of the preseason conversation revolved around how this would finally be their year. However, after a defeat to Oklahoma in which Tennessee lost the lead, that looked a little more unlikely. Then Tennessee failed to hold onto another lead against Florida. Then Tennessee failed to hold onto another lead against Arkansas. Then Tennessee failed to hold onto another lead against Alabama. Is Tennessee still not ready to take on the villains alone, or to be a superhero in its own right? Will Tennessee continue to be just a SEC East sidekick?
TEXAS A&M
Three Musketeers
It’s coming up on Week 9 now, and the Aggies are still not settled on a quarterback. Kyle Allen has primarily led Texas A&M to victory, but Kyler Murray has also seen his share of playing time. That was fine at the time because Texas A&M was winning through the first five weeks of the season, and it was easy to be all for one. But now that Allen is struggling, all three quarterbacks are back in the mix and Kevin Sumlin is attempting to find the one for all. It may take more than just the game against South Carolina to figure out who the new lead musketeer will be.
VANDERBILT
Doctors
What best defines Vanderbilt’s football season so far? Honestly, many of their players are probably more focused on their academics than on football, as displayed by the Commodores’ old quarterback, who left the football team to focus on medical school. So just be who you really want to be on Halloween, Vandy. Dress up as the successful young professionals in competitive fields that truly make you excited for your future career. And remember that at least you beat Waldo this season.
Christine Wang is a contributing writer for Saturday Down South. She covers Auburn, Arkansas and Ole Miss.
