Another SEC Media Days has passed, and it’s time yet again for an edition of “What They Meant To Say” courtesy of William Wallace.
If you’re easily offended, you might want to skip this one…
Greg Sankey – SEC Commissioner
“We will be Scholars first, champions second – whoa, please stop throwing (ducks behind podium), get it together people (dodges shoe), academics are critical (sidesteps a charging Will Muschamp).”
“I’ve told Coach Spurrier that my name is Sankey and not “Stankey,” at least six times, but he doesn’t seem to be getting it. It’s almost as if he’s doing it on purpose.”
Gus Malzahn – Head Coach, Auburn University
“A lot of people are asking if Will Muschamp is really the best defensive hire after giving up 42 to Bama last year when he was at Florida. Well, we scored 44 against Bama last year with a quarterback who is now playing corner for the Jacksonville Jaguars. If Muschamp can continue to hold Bama to an admittedly pathetic 42 points per game, we’ll be just fine… Remember, I’m an offensive genius.”
Jim McElwain – Head Coach, University of Florida
“I can see why people question if I’m up for this. I showed up to my first press conference in the big leagues looking like I fell asleep in the sun with balls on my face.”
“Here’s me when I got hired at Florida. I was cracking jokes and sh*t…
“Here’s me after seeing our offensive line…”
Derek Mason – Head Coach, Vanderbilt University
“We’re back! And by that I mean we’re back to being known primarily for being an elite academic institution with a horrific football team.”
Steve Spurrier – Head Coach, University of South Carolina
“It’s times like this that I wish I was back at Florida. FSU’s coach is getting divorced after his wife had an affair with a former Gator? That is the kind of stuff that makes me get out of bed every morning. Opportunities are rare and as a rival head coach, you must pounce. Jim McElwain better get his Sh*t together and go for the jugular… and buy some sunscreen, dummy.”
“I won the heisman trophy 49 years ago. Just wanted to remind you.”
Kevin Sumlin – Head Coach, Texas A&M University
“Tough act to follow. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am no Steve Spurrier. I’m less entertaining and now that Johnny Football is gone – not an offensive genius anymore, either.”
Dan Mullen – Head Coach, Mississippi State University
“I love Kanye. He’s a major influence on me. He’s why I’m wearing these shoes, why I wear drop crotch leather pants, and why I made my wife get ass implants.”
“I thought being #1 in the country for five weeks would be enough to get me a better job? Harbaugh!!!!”
Butch Jones – Head Coach, University of Tennessee
“I’m trying to assume more of a CEO-like role over the program. And like most operations run by guys name Butch, it’s absolute dumpster fire.”
Nick Saban – Head Coach, University of Alabama
“I don’t know if we were fully invested in the playoff game against Ohio State. My players found out a week before the game their draft status from the NFL, so my first rounders didn’t want to risk getting hurt and costing themselves millions so they can win yet ANOTHER ring. So they weren’t into it, and personally, I was a little gun shy about spanking Urban again. The last time I did it he had a nervous breakdown and fled college football. His daughters called me and begged me not to kill their father… But I’m not the kind of man to make excuses.. Forde, you Son of a B*!*h.
“Why would anyone hire Kirby Smart to be a head coach? He gave up 42 to Ohio State with a third string quarterback who looks like a right guard.”
Mark Stoops – Head Coach, University of Kentucky
“I was the damndest thing. We won a few games. Beat Vandy, beat Spurrier, took Florida to triple OT. We were actually 5-1. We were feeling good and then lost six straight, but by that point basketball practice had started and nobody even noticed we were getting smoked week after week. Fans walk up to me all the time and are like, “Great season, coach.” They honestly have no idea. It’s amazing that it was just as disappointing as ever.”
Gary Pinkel – Head Coach, University of Missouri
“We lost to Indiana and won the SEC East. Are there any other questions about the quality of the SEC East? No? Moving on.”
Brett Bielema – Head Coach, University of Arkansas
“Kneeling on the 2-yard line against Texas was a proud moment. Borderline erotic… There is something about seeing a group of men kneeling dow…” (gets tackled by Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long).
Mark Richt – Head Coach, University of Georgia
“It’s been nice not having the SEC win the national title the last two years. For a while everyone was winning titles except for us and like Kentucky. Nobody is talking about titles anymore. Shoes, mainly. We talk about shoes now.”
Les Miles – Head Coach, Louisiana State University
“There was a mutual lack of interest between myself and Michigan. I didn’t want to move to a freezing wasteland in a dying state and they didn’t want to pay a mentally unstable schizophrenic $7 million dollars a year.”
“Georgia’s running back’s name is Chubb (laughs maniacally for the remainder of his time).”
Hugh Freeze – Head Coach, University of Mississippi
“Hell yeah, they need to change the flag. I coach football and if you want to get the best football players to come to your school it’s probably not a good idea to fly a flag that pisses off black kids.”
William Wallace is a regular Saturday Down South contributor; a warrior poet willing to go where many are not.
