A Christmas gift for every SEC coach
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.
Just kidding. Y’all aren’t filthy. Well, unless you live in the comments section. Then you’re at least somewhat filthy.
But for the rest of you who read stories without getting big mad on the internet, Merry Christmas.
For some of you, you probably wish that you could get your coach a Christmas gift. For others, you wish that you could leave your coach a lump of coal.
Fortunately, I have the ability to get your coach whatever they need this Christmas:
Nick Saban, Alabama — 1 less second next time he’s at Auburn
I don’t know. Two out of the past 4 times that Saban was at Auburn, he probably wished he could have 1 less second. Think about this: What if Saban had that second erased in 2013 and then again in 2019? Would he have won it all in 2013? And would he be in the Playoff now? That’s super hypothetical, for sure. But how do you shop for the guy who has everything? You get him something sentimental like this.
Sam Pittman, Arkansas — 50 bottles of Excedrin extra strength
There are going to be many headaches in store for the new Arkansas coach. Excedrin works wonders for that. Pittman might prove people wrong and be the right man for the job, but the guy is obviously going to need some help to get through what figures to be a lean start in Fayetteville.
Gus Malzahn, Auburn — Shock collar
I don’t know if Malzahn has a dog. Doesn’t matter. It’s not for him. It’s for the guy he just brought on his staff who shuffled through quarterbacks like playing cards. Malzahn insists that he’s fine giving Chad Morris plenty of say in the offense. But every once in a while, Malzahn is probably going to want to bark out “HEEL, CHAD! HEEL!”
Dan Mullen, Florida — All-expenses paid trip to Vegas
You want to show us you’re more fun than Joey Freshwater? Prove it. And it didn’t happen if it’s not on video.
Kirby Smart, Georgia — Private dance lessons
Listen. I’m not one to shame people for dancing. The fact that Smart is willing to get into the mix and jump around with the guys after a big win is always fun. When Smart flips the visor upside down, you know he’s about to bust a move. But think about if Smart became the first coach to actually learn how to dance. He’d make Mack Brown’s postgame dance moves look like a baby learning how to walk.
Mark Stoops, Kentucky — A new phone
Just so that when Florida State texts Stoops to see if he wants to come interview for the job in a couple years, he can actually say, “New phone, who dis?”
Ed Orgeron, LSU — A 2019 scrapbook
If there were ever a year that you’re going to want to remember, it’s this one. You can start it on Jan. 1 when Joe Burrow got de-cleated by a UCF cheap shot and proceeded to lead the Tigers back to their first New Year’s 6 Bowl win of the Playoff era. I’m guessing that a lot of these memories for Orgeron are fuzzy because I assume that when you beat Alabama, adrenaline takes over and you essentially black out. No matter how LSU’s season ends, this will always be a year that Orgeron will cherish.
Joe Moorhead, Mississippi State — Apple Watch
Moorhead has been on a bit of a health kick for the last year. He actually lost a ton of weight doing intermittent fasting. His window to eat doesn’t start until 6 p.m., and as I learned from following him around at SEC Media Days, it can’t come a minute too soon. He was always asking people what time it was so he could do the math to figure out how much longer he had to go without food. The Apple Watch could help him with that, and it could also track movement, exercise, heart rate, etc.
Eli Drinkwitz, Mizzou — Rogaine Touch of Gray
Drinkwitz doesn’t even look his age, which isn’t very old (36). He’s trying to establish his brand and earn respect. What better way to do that than add a little salt and pepper to the lettuce? Drinkwitz will get that “distinguished” look that they always talk about on those commercials.
Lane Kiffin, Ole Miss — A fake mustache
I’m just assuming that Kiffin is going to want a disguise for rolling around Oxford. That way, he can hit up downtown and order a pickle martini in peace. Or, if Kiffin wants to sneak off to The Grove before a game to loosen the nerves, he can go incognito. I don’t think simply going by “Joey Freshwater” is gonna cut it this time around.
Will Muschamp, South Carolina — A face tattoo of the scoreboard from the UGA game
This feels like something Muschamp is going to want to remind his boss about once or twice in the next year. It did happen. Somehow, someway. It’s not good enough just to have a tattoo like that on his bicep. By putting the scoreboard on his face, Muschamp forces us to acknowledge the Georgia win at every media availability session. Sure, he might lose some marketing opportunities and he’ll forever walk into recruits’ living rooms as “the coach with the face tattoo,” but hey, if it means Muschamp keeping his job, so be it.
Jeremy Pruitt, Tennessee — Beats by Dre
I know, I know. Why not Air Pods? Let me explain. Remember those commercials a few years ago that were super intense? Pruitt is going to want to block out the noise this offseason. Those Beats commercials were meant to block out the haters, but Pruitt will actually need them to block out the supporters. I get the feeling that the Tennessee hype train is going to take off, especially if they beat Indiana in the Gator Bowl. Pruitt can rock his Beats atop that pointy, bald head of his and block out the praise.
Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M — A steer
What do you get for the man with the $75 million contract? Um, something he can use to mock Texas with, obviously. What would the steer be used for, you ask? Isn’t that just another mascot for a program that already has too many mascots? No, he wouldn’t turn into Reveille. The steer would be a sidekick of sorts. Think Fisher is to Shaggy as the steer is to Scooby. Every recruiting video, every press conference, the steer is there. If A&M and Texas aren’t going to face off on the field, we need them to start battling publicly more off the field.
Texas would instantly demand that A&M get a 15-yard penalty for every game in which the Aggies’ steer is on the sidelines. I’m here for that.
Derek Mason, Vanderbilt — A guitar
I mean, playing music is the only way to draw a crowd in Nashville. At least that’s what Vandy games suggest.