Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Alabama vs. Texas A&M game:

“Welcome to Bryant-Denny Stadium as we get ready for Alabama’s first big SEC game of the 2018 season, and try to pretend that this will be anything other than a slow-moving, boring, blowout by the second half.

“The last time Jimbo Fisher coached against Alabama, it kicked his program into a massive 2-year decline that resulted in him leaving town and his former team turning into a laughing stock. So the good new for Jimbo is it can’t get much worse.

First quarter

15:00

“Time to see if A&M can take advantage of some of the holes on Alabama’s defense and make this a game. Let’s find out what Jimbo has cooked up. Oh sorry, by the time I finished that last sentence, Alabama intercepted a pass and scored on a long touchdown pass the next play.

“Tua throws a strike that’s caught by one of Bama’s never-ending conveyor belt of 5-star receivers. If Saban could feel human emotions he would no doubt be ecstatic about this start.

“Alabama 7-0.”

10:54

“After a quick 3-and-out, Tua gets the ball back, which at this point in the college football season is the scariest five words you can hear other than ‘Scott Frost is your coach.’

“Tua finally throws an incompletion on third down, but it’s all part of the master plan as Bama downs the punt perfectly inside the 1-yard line.”

5:14

“Mond escapes through the middle of the Alabama defense and then follows it up with a touchdown pass to a wide open receiver. Suddenly we’re tied. It’s a 99-yard touchdown drive for A&M, and the Alabama home crowd is stunned at the audacity. There are a few rules you have to follow to be a respected member of the SEC, like making sure you schedule an FBS school right before your biggest rival, paying your head coach a comical amount of money, and never ever go on a 99-yard touchdown drive against Alabama. Evidently the Aggies still have a lot to learn.

“We’re tied 7-7.”

1:31

“Bama gets the ball back and Tua leads a touchdown drive that looks so easy it’s as if he’s just working a day job at H&M. He walks in a touchdown and Bama’s revenge for the Aggies long drive begins.

“Alabama 14-7.”

2nd quarter

“A&M’s defense manages to get a big stop and get the ball in great field position. Jimbo continues to run Kellen Mond into the viscous, hard-hitting second layer of the Alabama defense, which is either because that’s the only way they can move the ball or Jimbo just really hates Kellen Mond. It sets up A&M for a 52-yard field goal, and makes it just a 4-point game.

“Alabama leads 14-10.”

8:13

“Tua completes 4 passes in a row and finds Hale Hydra Hentges for another touchdown.”

1:55

After another field goal, A&M finally has some momentum now and it’s only a one-score game. Bama sets up for a 3rd-and-long, which would be a huge stop for the Aggies. But they make the very interesting choice of deciding not to cover Damien Harris coming out of the backfield and Tua finds him for a 52-yard gain.

“It sets up another Tua touchdown pass. Jimbo starts to feel a little worried, but then he remembers what’s in his bank account and feels a lot better.

“Alabama 28-13.”

0:25

“Mond has to lead a 2-minute drill to keep this game close at halftime. After a few QB draws, he finally lets one loose and fits a pass perfectly in stride to an Alabama defender. If it weren’t for the fact Patrick Surtain Jr. intercepted it, that would have been a perfect throw.

“Time for the Aflac Trivia Question of the game: Do you know what Texas A&M calls its quarterback after he throws a pass to the wrong team? Helen Kellen Mond.

“Meanwhile, the kicker is coming on to the field now for Bama, which is the first piece of good news A&M has heard in a while. But he defies the odds and drills it. Tua was the holder, so naturally the announcers give him most of the credit.

“Alabama is rolling 31-13.”

Credit: Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

3rd quarter

15:00

“Bama starts the second half with the ball, but has some trouble getting the running game going. Although it feels like the backs are just colluding with Tua so he can throw for more yards. Bama proceeds to shank the punt, which makes sense because everyone knows both of Alabama’s kickers aren’t allowed to be good in the same game.”

10:03

“Tua continues to find wide open receivers, and eventually the drive ends with an easy rushing touchdown, which all but proves the collusion theory.

“Brad Nessler says ‘It’s the beginning of the end.’ It’s apparently the tagline for The Big Bang Theory, but he might as well be referring to this game.

“Alabama 38-13.”

7:13

“Saban puts out a hit on a security guard standing on the sideline just to show who’s in charge of this place. Message received.

“Meanwhile, Jimbo elects to kick a short field goal on 4th-and-4 down by 25. A&M well on their way to another moral victory.

“Alabama 38-16.”

6:15

“Gary Danielson is talking about how Tua could throw a spiral so smooth, even his granddaughter could catch it. Which would also make Gary Danielson’s granddaughter the most consistent receiver at Missouri.

“Also, Bama runs for about 90 yards in two plays, and the Aggies chances of pulling off a moral victory are getting slim.

“Oh, wait. That was a pass? But there was no spiral.

“Alabama 45-16.”

4th quarter

14:35

“The ground shakes. A tidal wave of excitement washes over Bryant-Denny. It can only mean one thing … it’s Jalen Hurts time.

“Nothing really happens, but it brings back some good memories.”

7:35

“I’d like to thank Alabama fans, elderly people waiting for CSI to start, and those who have lost their family due to their own gambling problems for still watching this game.

“For those still paying attention, A&M goes on a long touchdown drive, which will thankfully give Saban something to be furious about after the game. And for the Aggies, the moral victory watch is back on.

“Alabama 45-23.”

3:35

“Jalen Hurts fumbles a read option but is able to recover it, a very useful skill for when he transfers to Texas.

“A&M counters by putting in Nick Starkel and mercifully putting this game out of its misery. Jimbo calls two timeouts with under a minute left, which makes sense because when you get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for every minute you coach, you might as well pretend to coach for a few of them.

“Final: Alabama 45-23.”