Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Alabama vs Louisville game:
“Welcome everyone to the nightcap of Week 1 of a brand new college football season, featuring Nick Saban vs. Bobby Petrino, a coaching matchup so unholy, not even God can watch. Let’s get this started …”
1st quarter
15:00
“First kick is straight out of bounds. Lousivlle’s kicker clearly spent too much time watching Bama’s kickers in pregame.
“Annnnnd it’s Tua starting at quarterback for the Tide … annd he’s sacked, Saban getting the transfer papers ready. Oh, they convert on 3rd-and-13, looks like Saban is putting down the papers for now.
“Tua spins like he’s an Ohio State beat writer and throws a dart for the first touchdown of the game to a man named “Judy.”
“Alabama 7-0.”
11:55
“Louisville’s first drive of the game and quarterback “Not Lamar Jackson” has a tall task ahead of him. Wait, we’re getting word that the quarterback’s name is Puma Pass? Which means he’s apparently either a character in a Mario game or somebody from the Star Wars universe. Either way, it’s gonna be a long night.
“Petrino’s strategy appears to be using his wide receivers as targeting bait in order to get the Bama secondary ejected, probably their best shot.”
7:00
“Tua continues running around in the pocket and taking chances like he’s Lane Kiffin DM’ing a co-ed, but eventually he completes a pass into Louisville territory, which is promptly fumbled.
“Many people don’t know this, but Alabama actually has the opposite of the turnover chain, which means every time a player commits a turnover, Nick Saban chokes them.
“This gives Puma Pass, which might or might not be a Kendrick track, another shot.
“Three and out.”
4:15
“Tua squirts his way into the end zone and the Jalen Hurts transfer watch is red hot. Tua is playing so good that Jon Gruden is about to trade him for two draft picks.
“14-0 Alabama.”
2nd quarter
14:16
“Louisville leads a nice drive down the field, but unfortunately Puma passes it right to an Alabama player. Petrino is trying to change his quarterback’s name to Puma Throw It Out Of Bounds.”
11:24
“Alabama drives right down the field and scores again. It’s probably time to rest Tua and save him for the SEC Championship Game. There’s still plenty of time to redshirt him this season.
“21-0 Alabama.”
7:17
“JALEN HURTS ENTERS THE GAME!”
3:40
“JALEN HURTS LEAVES THE GAME!”
0:10
“Tua throws a perfectly in stride touchdown pass and what are we even doing here? We get so excited every August for another year of college football only to inevitably realize that there’s no way to stop Saban’s invincible machine and now they have maybe the best quarterback in college football? Why not spend our Saturday’s with our loved ones while we still have time because there’s no way of knowing how much we have left ….
“Anyways, Alabama is lining up for the kickoff ….
“28-0 Alabama.
“Fowler almost went the whole first half without saying something culturally insensitive about Hawaiians, but he just gets it in before the buzzer. That’s the definition of clutch.”
HALFTIME
“Saban walking off the field has to be happy with what he saw in that dominating first half ….
“Oh wait no, he’s super pissed and thought it was a sloppy effort? Yeah we should have seen that coming.”
3rd quarter
“Louisville gets the ball down four touchdowns to start the second half, they’re gonna need about three of them on this first drive to keep it close.
“Puma Pass bounces off defenders while going backward. Is there a “sim remainder of game” button anyone can push?”
10:03
“Bama scores another touchdown, they’re not even wearing helmets now.
“Oh, no. Austin Jones missed the extra point, giving every Bama fan flashbacks to the worst moments of the past ten years. Could this opening night game be going any worse for the Crimson Tide?
“Alabama 34-0.”
8:35
“Louisville is driving, but at this point the only people still watching this game are divorced Bama fans, degenerate gamblers, and people who died while watching Bachelor in Paradise but haven’t been discovered yet.”
6:27
“If Louisville scores a touchdown but nobody cared enough to watch it, did it really happen?
“Alabama 34-7.”
6:20
“It was a great 45 seconds for Louisville fans, but that was enough. Bama returns the kickoff for a touchdown without meaning to.
“Alabama 41-7.”
6:00
“Jalen Hurts is back in now, getting in some good reps before he transfers to Texas. He’ll need to get used to playing in blowouts. It’s very nice of Saban to let him get some experience here.
“Bama kicker Austin Jones had to miss a funeral to try to compete for the Alabama starting job. What’s worse is Saban said he’ll have to miss another funeral if he doesn’t make this next field goal.
“Luckily he sneaks it through.
“Alabama 44-7.”
2:11
“Have you ever noticed how Saban has a perfect indention in his hair where his headset sits? I don’t know … there’s not really much going on right now. I think Alabama just scored another touchdown?
“Alabama 51-7.”
4th quarter
14:20
“Annnnnnnnnd we’re talking about tennis.”
9:07
“Everyone involved from players, coaches, refs and announcers are just trying to get this over with as quickly as possible and doing everything possible to make sure Saban’s blind rage is pointed at them next.”
4:15
“It’s a solid showing by Bama’s third-string guys who could have gone to any mid-level Power 5 team and been the hero on campus, but instead chose to play on the practice squad and hold up practice dummies for Alabama’s starters, all while knowing they are just one 5-star commit from being cut. But they got to be on that ESPN documentary, so it’s all worth it.”
2:12
“We’ve been talking about Alabama’s strength coach for well over five minutes, please someone mercifully put this game out of its misery. Old Yeller is sick, Herbstreit grab the shotgun.”
Final: Alabama 51-14
“Well, now that the game is over, Saban should be able to let off a little steam and enjoy this victory and oh, my God …”
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
