Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the LSU vs. Texas game:
“Tonight we have one of the most highly anticipated games of the year, taking place at one of the most beautiful construction sites you’ll ever see. Texas and LSU got into it already during pregame warmups, spurred on because of the DBU shirts the Longhorn players were wearing. No one can blame LSU for being upset about that though. Texas claiming to be DBU is like UCF claiming to be National Champions.
“Let’s get this game started.”
1st quarter 15:00
“The Longhorns get the ball first and we get our first look at Sam Ehlinger, who some are calling the Tim Tebow of Texas, which only really makes sense if you’re comparing their batting averages. Texas has to punt though and the ball gets put in the hands of Joe Burrow, who we’ll call the Tim Tebow of former backup Big Ten quarterbacks.
“The Tigers start on offense by carving up the Texas defense and setting themselves up for an easy field goal to quiet the crowd — which in Memorial Stadium has usually a pretty easy thing to do.”
“LSU 3-0.”
10:15
“You know a team is desperate to win when they’re breaking out the Philly special at midfield in the first quarter. It works though and Texas puts together a nice drive that eventually sets them up with a 4th-and-goal at the 1. Tom Herman draws up a perfect play, a Texas receiver is wide open in the end zone, but it’s dropped like Michigan in the rankings tomorrow morning. LSU ball.
“Joe Burrow thinks that was a little too easy for the LSU defense though and wants to see if they can do it again. The Longhorns get an interception, and next thing you know it’s 4th-and-goal again. This time, Ehlinger tries to channel his inner Tebow to muscle his way to the end zone, but instead channels every Florida quarterback since Tebow and gets pushed back for a loss.”
4:50
“So far, Texas’ goal line offense has been so bad that it’s actually helping them in slowing down LSU’s offense. It’s called the “Will Muschamp gameplan.” The Tigers can’t get much out of their own end zone and they have to punt.
“On the next drive, Ehlinger throws a high, ugly pass that LSU badly misplays. So badly in fact that Brennan Eagles gets past everyone and walks in for the Texas touchdown.
“DBU advantage: Texas????
“Texas leads 7-3.”
2nd quarter 8:50
“Now it’s Burrow’s turn to answer back, and soon it’s LSU’s turn to face a pressure filled 3rd-and-goal. It’s a perfect time to show off LSU’s innovative new “passing” offense. Burrow throws a strike and LSU gets a touchdown. If only they had that in their playbook last year — or any of the past 10 years.”
“LSU jumps back in front 10-7.”
1:45
“The Tigers face another 3rd-and-goal, but this time Texas gets a big sack. Tom Herman races onto the field to call a timeout and save some time for his offense — something that definitely won’t backfire.
“LSU adds a field goal to make it 13-7.”
1:05
“Time for Texas to show off that quick strike offense, 2-minute offense they’re so excited about … and they’re already punting.
“Thanks to Herman’s timeout, the Tigers have plenty of time to get in field goal range before the half. Unless, of course, the vaunted Texas defensive backs have anything to say about it. They do, by giving up 3 consecutive huge passes and LSU gets a touchdown right before the half.
“As the teams run into the tunnel, Rece Davis compares Joe Burrow to Drew Brees and somewhere on the sideline, the ‘Texas is Back’ meter is crashing.
“LSU 20-7.”
3rd quarter 10:50
“It seems like LSU got a halftime lesson from the Willie Taggart School of Hydration. Tiger players are cramping up left and right as Texas is slowly making its way down the field to open the second half.
“This time, the Longhorns figure out a way to score on the goal line and the momentum, just like Kevin Durant after every disappointing season, switches teams.”
“LSU 20-14.”
7:55
“LSU answers with a field goal that makes it a 2-score game again. But Sam Ehlinger really starts to find his groove once Texas gets the ball back. He connects on strike after strike that makes him reminiscent of some of the best to ever play in Memorial Stadium; legends like Vince Young, Colt McCoy and Joe Burrow.
“Eventually, Ehlinger somehow delicately fits in a touchdown pass to Jake Smith that was either perfectly thrown or extremely lucky.”
“Texas pulls within 23-21.”
2:10
“You think that scares Joe Burrow though? Drew Brees wishes he was Joe Burrow. In 6 plays, he takes the Tigers 75 yards in a drive so easy, even Herbstreit is now laughing at Texas calling themselves DBU.”
“LSU 30-21.”
4th quarter 14:12
“Texas is down by 2 scores and faces a 4th-and-3 from midfield, the game very well may be riding on what happens. So it’s a perfect time for LSU to put forth it worst defensive effort of the night and allow a simple slant to go 50 yards for a touchdown. ‘Texas is back’ is back.
“It’s LSU 30-28.”
10:05
“Meanwhile, Joe Burrow picked a great night to go from solid college level starter to the Mother of Dragons breathing fire on everything in his path. The Texas defense is powerless. Touchdown Tigers!
“LSU 37-28.”
5:14
“Texas takes over and just like Urban Meyer, refuses to go away for good. Ehlinger comes in clutch on a few 3rd down passes and sets up big kick for Dicker the Kicker. Nothing is too big for him. He makes the kick and Texas is back to within 1 score.
“Now all they have to do is get one stop against *shudders* LSU’s offense.
“LSU 37-31.”
2:30
“LSU just needs to waste 2 minutes off the clock and they’ll walk away winners. Instead, they come out throwing. What universe are we living in when we’re worried LSU might be depending too much on their passing game?
“Burrow gets sacked on 2nd down and it sets up a 3rd-and-17 with everything on the line. Sounds like it would be a tough spot unless, of course, your quarterback is Sauron/Lord Voldemort/a Jedi Master. Oh, my, Orgeron. Burrow hits Jefferson for a 62-yard touchdown!
“Matthew McConaughey is not alright, alright.
“LSU 45-31.”
0:22
“As Burrow is princess waving to the crowd, Sam Ehlinger is doing the same to the LSU defense. He makes quick work of the Tigers’ secondary and once again makes it a 1-score game. This time it all comes down to an onside kick.
“The onside kick is perfectly struck, and for a moment is perfectly laid up in the hands of a Longhorn player, but as foreshadowed in the 1st quarter, it drops out of his hands and LSU wins.
“Coach O returns to Baton Rouge a victor, Joe Brady returns as the hottest assistant coach in the country, and Tom Herman can get an early start on building some 2020 preseason hype.”
“The final from Austin: LSU 45-38.”
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
